... a beautiful heart!

It's one of my favourite movie scenes of all time...
click here --> A Beautiful Mind

Thank you. I've always believed in numbers and the equations and logics that lead to reason.

But after a lifetime of such pursuits, I ask,

"What truly is logic?"

"Who decides reason?"

My quest has taken me through the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional -- and back.

And I have made the most important discovery of my career, the most important discovery of my life: It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reasons can be found.

I'm only here tonight because of you

You are the reason I am.

You are all my reasons.

Thank you!

Perhaps it's good to have a beautiful mind but an even greater gift is to discover a beautiful heart.

From agnosticism to believing...

Aug 23 was a Sunday and being at home this year, I chose to venture out of Delhi. Giving no special attention to my agnostic beliefs about God, I decided Mathura - the birthplace of Lord Krishna.

The selection of this holy city has a strange connection to one hindi movie that got me transfixed; 'Awarapan'. Never before have I liked any girl in cinema as much as the character 'Aaliya' in this movie. She hypnotized me with her divine thoughts and especially the extent to which she could refine the integral part of the protagonist. Here's Aaliya radiating heavenly innocence...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kpdfFim-VMY (beautiful video, awesome movie). On God, "Chaahe tum usey jis terah, jis shakal me maano... par maano zaroor." Sometimes, these small and trivial things charm one's heart and soul in a manner that influences one's way of living. Sure, she had some effect on me too so much so that for the first time I visited a holy shrine not out of fun but devotion.

The very moment I landed on 'Krishna Janambhoomi" I met with a small accident giving me a minor cut on my head. It bled a few drops and then stopped. I must have been in King Kansa's army ages ago and so cursed. huh! After paying for my sins I visited Banke Bihari and Radha Vallabh temples in Vrindavan. It surprised me when anyone I talked to greeted me with a "Radhe Radhe". The inhabitant's devotion towards Radha, Krishna's supreme beloved, is huge and this impressed me. Upon returning to Krishna's Janambhoomi I happened to pass through one room in a temple with three priests, each one with a different musical instrument, practicing pious readings. Completely mesmerised by the holy prayer "Hare Rama Hare Rama, Rama Rama Hare Hare.... Hare Krishna Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna Hare Hare", I felt free from deep inside as if relieved of all pain. It sounds silly but the entire atmosphere was sanctified and I felt blessed. What followed this was one great experience.

The religious practice of 'parikrama' of Govardhan hill is considered as a form of prayer. One has to circumambulate Govardhan as part of this ritual. This stretch if of 24 miles and there are many theories on how to do this parikrama. Some simply walk barefoot, some offer 108 obeisances at one spot before moving to the next, while some move in cars. It's one's 'shraddha' how one wants to do it. I walked barefoot with a backpack. It was something I had never done before so I was slow and albeit it doesn't matter but I was overtaken by hundreds of other pilgrims during the course only to later know many were on drugs or local 'bhaangs'. I was happy I was doing it with right intentions and with a clean heart and mind. I hate to admit this but truth be told, I did feel some angelic presence lifting up my spirits every time I found myself stranded in dark. Honestly, the stormy weather towards the end disquieted me for minutes but also provided a scintillating finish to the 'parikrama'. I could only smile as I unloaded my knapsack to ease my back. The blood blisters on my foot kept my legs out of any movement for the next two days abandoning the trip to Barsana - Radha's birthplace. Hopefully, I would see Barsana in Jan'2010.

Did I see God? Did I feel God?
Well, I have never been into religious stuff. I vividly remember how I, once in past, visited the "Tirupati Balaji" making mockery of God all the way. Then, it was to experience the fun of the journey and had nothing to do with God. Today, at least, I acknowledge God. To be honest, I think I am still transitioning from being an agnostic to being God-loving but certainly not God-fearing. And, there are events that have led to this.

There are special moments in our lives worthy of pure respect.

Toffee speaks...

Life!! As we live through it we see changes around us. My memory never fails me when I think of the past. We three (elder sister, me and younger brother) used to play all sorts of silly games. We grew up together studying, eating, playing and fighting…all together. Those were some days. Then came a day my sister got married and we all (in the family) missed her at home. Through phone we always kept in touch. Yet, it felt like being small children only. Those leg-pulling and teasing continued still. Then came the day: 31^st Jan 2008. My sister gave birth to a cute little baby. My sweet brother-in-law informed us about the tiny angel. Since then we have not been thinking of anything or anyone but her. The little cutie!! And, she just wants to say something to you all. Off to her…

Hiiiiiiiiiii, I am Toffee!! The name is as sweet as I look, I have been told so. What do you think about it?? Hehehe :-)! I don’t know what it really means; all I know is that my Sumit maamu has given me this name. He, like everyone around me, thinks that I am cute. I came into this world as a 3.5kgs baby. It’s been ten days but I have already learned a lot of things. You see, I cry a lot. I love making noise. I like troubling people. But I don’t like my Maamu. Mithu maamu is cute and talks to me. He’s very nice. But, I don’t like my Sumit maamu. He is bad. He’ll call when I am sleeping. And, I hate being disturbed. You see, I don’t like him because he talked to me first time only on my 3^rd day. And as I was crying he was laughing all through. Do you see how he behaves? Ugh! Instead of pampering a little cutie he laughed at her. Non-stop :-(! And, now every time he calls I fake crying. I too love teasing him. Actually, I like when he laughs at me. After all, he’s given me such a nice name. And, he convinced my Mumma and Papa who had thought of other silly names for me.

Now I want to speak of all that I have learned till now. Obviously, my favourite time-pass is crying. Next is sleeping. I love sleeping. I haven’t seen myself yet but I have been told that I smile like a princess. When I am quiet, which I am for about 2 seconds in 4 days, I look like with two rasgullas in my mouth. My cheeks weigh half of my total weight. So what if I am only 10 days old, I have already started exercising. I do stretch my body every now and then. Every time I cry I throw my little hands and tiny legs into all corners of the room. I have been trying other things as well. I do not have teeth still I can bite you all. You try n touch my cheeks and I will show you how. Hehehe :-)!

The person I love the most is my Mumma – my mother. She is awesome. She loves me the most too. 10 days and she has kissed me I don’t know how many times. You see, I don’t know counting. Hehehe :-)! She’ll make sure I cry as less as possible. She’ll feed me she’ll not sleep unless I am quiet and asleep. And most importantly, she'll clean my potty-laden clothes. Hehehe :-)! And why are you covering your nose…its ok!! I am a baby… a small baby, no?? I can understand how my Mumma feels every time she sees me. And, she sees me all the time. I mean, come on, give me a break …am I a small kid that I would run away…am I ??? hehehe :-)! No but seriously, I enjoy every time she sings me Celine Dion’s “Im alive”. Checkout http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PNwpkbZAI0. Please keep the volume loud and I promise you will start moving with the music. But my Mumma is my Mumma. She cries singing me this song. But then, I am an intelligent girl, I can make out those are the tears of joy. Every time I reach out to her she listens to my heart and sings... “When you call on me, when I hear you breathe, I get wings to fly, I feel that I’m alive”. I love that. I just love that. My Mumma loves me the most and she is the best. I know and can understand what and how I make her feel all the time. She feels elated, jubilant and triumphant. You see, I am an awesome baby J!

“When you look at me, I can touch the sky, I know that Im alive”
Motherly love is holy huge and sacred. I am proud of myself that I make her feel like that. Every time I look at her she just jumps out of joy. I don’t really know if she really feels the way she sings to me or is it my half-my-total-size heavy cheeks that give her an excuse to laugh and pull my leg. As mostly I am in my room, Mumma touches the ceiling as she flies rather than going high into the skies. But I know one thing for sure…she feels like in heaven even though the tears remain at the place I mostly see.

“When you bless the day, I just drift away, all my worries die, Im glad that Im alive. You’ve set my heart on fire, filled me with love, made me a woman on clouds above. I couln’t get much higher, my spirit takes that flight, ‘cause Im alive”.
She is there for me all the time. Even when I am asleep she’s watching me continuously. Never, she takes her eyes off. I don't know what but whatever worries she has are of no further importance. Her entire world is me, me and only me. Mumma, I don’t have teeth and I do not know the language even so I cannot say it, but you can feel as you listen to my heart….”I love you”!!

"That I'll be the one, standing by through good and through trying times. And it's only begun, I can't wait for the rest of my life".
I know in life we have to pass through all those good and tough times. It's my unquestionable faith that my Mumma is going to be with me in all those trying times. She may have seen me only for 10 days but she has felt me for a much longer time than that. I have come out of her. She is where I actually belong. She is my mother. We may be two but our heart is one. I am quite new in this world and every thing that I will learn and every thing that I will not learn will depend on her. She will decide what is good and what is bad for me. She will make me the person I will be when I am grown up. Not just the culinary achievements she will be behind my education too.

Mumma, this is going to be a long journey, and you see I am a small baby. I do not know anything. I will be making many mistakes as we move on. Please forgive me if I ever hurt you unintentionally. And, believe me, even thoguh I may not show it but I will be loving you the most all my life. There is nothing more sacred than a mother's love and believe me Mumma I will never let you down. You will always have my unstinted support and understanding. This is my promise Mumma. This is my promise to you. I love you, Mumma. I love you.

Ok everyone... it was so nice talking to you all. But then you see, I am still a small baby. You all have had a wonderful childhood, I am sure. You see, I am ready to live the most wonderful time of my life.

I will see you all very soon. Take care... btw you should be telling me this. ugh!

Tata :-),
Toffee